theme

when you all finally meet paige it’ll be like:

How does Tinder work?

so far Grindr is just matching me with dudes

let me tell you guys about that time I went on a date

and we talked about the movies that made us cry

and we both agreed on “UP”

and I said “50/50”

she said “Passion of the Christ”

because “They were hurting my Jesus”

so I just sat there and munched my pasta

waiting for some hint of sarcasm

then i said,

you know that’s not real right?

then she said

"I know it’s Mel Gibson but still"

I actually did plan to go to Brazil for the World Cup this year.

I had the money and everything

until my friend told me not to

I mean he said it’s pretty scary there

and this was a dude

who was the head of the secret service that’s guarding the Israel Embassy in Argentina

also served in the IDF special forces for years

and spent a couple of years inside the deepest israeli base in Lebanon

and getting shelled almost every other night.

survived an ambush

and a mine explosion

if that dude was scared there

why the fuck would I go?

alexandria-the-greats-red-bandit:

valerieehartman:

Oh baby when you talk like that, you make a woman go mad so be wise and keep on reading the signs of my body.
TRUE LOVE, BEST COUPLE EVER 😍

……………….Damn Shakira suck Piques face off lol!

She kissed him like he won La Liga or something…

If I go to that dinner and have to fucking friend zone someone whilst I’m eating free pasta I’ll be really pissed

so a female friend of mine pulled me aside last night at the party

and asked to buy me dinner

so I was like cool

but then she had to qualify it with

just us, not with my people or with your people

we have to talk about stuff

and I was like

call me when your free

and as I was going home talking about it to one of my friends I just realized what the fuck I just did…

to be fair to the low flying bitch there was a little girl next to me

but still

the whole fucking pub was singing big fucking german the whole time and I get singled out for yelling dickhead

sometimes i remember that person that told me to shut the fuck up when Hull scored the 2nd goal yesterday and i am still seething about that

ive never wanted to muff punch someone so much in my life

she’ll probably be really into it

the weapons grade cunt