when you all finally meet paige it’ll be like:
How does Tinder work?
so far Grindr is just matching me with dudes
let me tell you guys about that time I went on a date
and we talked about the movies that made us cry
and we both agreed on “UP”
and I said “50/50”
she said “Passion of the Christ”
because “They were hurting my Jesus”
so I just sat there and munched my pasta
waiting for some hint of sarcasm
then i said,
you know that’s not real right?
then she said
"I know it’s Mel Gibson but still"
I actually did plan to go to Brazil for the World Cup this year.
I had the money and everything
until my friend told me not to
I mean he said it’s pretty scary there
and this was a dude
who was the head of the secret service that’s guarding the Israel Embassy in Argentina
also served in the IDF special forces for years
and spent a couple of years inside the deepest israeli base in Lebanon
and getting shelled almost every other night.
survived an ambush
and a mine explosion
if that dude was scared there
why the fuck would I go?
If I go to that dinner and have to fucking friend zone someone whilst I’m eating free pasta I’ll be really pissed
so a female friend of mine pulled me aside last night at the party
and asked to buy me dinner
so I was like cool
but then she had to qualify it with
just us, not with my people or with your people
we have to talk about stuff
and I was like
call me when your free
and as I was going home talking about it to one of my friends I just realized what the fuck I just did…
to be fair to the low flying bitch there was a little girl next to me
the whole fucking pub was singing big fucking german the whole time and I get singled out for yelling dickhead
sometimes i remember that person that told me to shut the fuck up when Hull scored the 2nd goal yesterday and i am still seething about that
ive never wanted to muff punch someone so much in my life
she’ll probably be really into it
the weapons grade cunt